Tags
book., Chapter 1, CIA, Death, Escape., Excerpt, Fiction, Fun, George Byrne, Hope, Imagination, Mia, Reading., Regret, Sad, Story, Storyline, Tom Selfriege, Writer, Writing
This is another part of Chapter 1. I skipped over some parts, so it wouldn’t end up being too long, but I wanted to give a glimpse at some other characters besides Mia. 
Enjoy! And if you find any typos, please let me know, because I have read over it countless times, but I’m finding that I’m not very perceptive when it comes to typos.
M.I.A.
Chapter 1: Part 2
As I sprinted through the front door at five minutes past the hour, I ran through the options in my head. But somehow I couldn’t figure out how I was going to talk my way out of the verbal assault I knew I would receive as soon as I crossed the threshold to George Byrne’s office, late.
Before I could even knock on the door, Byrne’s loud voice commanded me into the room. “Come in, Yardley.”
I nudged open the door and there he sat, completely still, watching me. “Sit.”
The room, which was tucked deep within the recesses of CIA Headquarters, was as cold as the man himself. Nothing was out of line and though every furnishing was massive, they were plain and unembellished.
I put on my brave face and did as I was told, sliding into a stern chair across his desk from him. I sat up straight and worked to appear calm. I had learned over the past two years that with George Byrne, if you didn’t at least try to appear confident, he would eat you alive.
“Alright Mia, debrief.” He said, and reclined back in his chair, studying me with one eyebrow raised. I took a moment to look at him and noticed how weary he looked, as if he hadn’t slept in days. His hair was ruffled and a small piece of it was hanging onto his forehead. But despite his appearance, the fire in his eyes was unwavering. Never had I found him so terrifying.
I resisted the urge to fuss with my skirt and met his intense stare. Ignoring my nerves, I told him everything that had transpired during my visit to Italy. I didn’t flower up any of it; I knew he’d see through it. He had a knack for knowing the truth whether I said it or not.
When I had finished, he said nothing. He sat with his hands folded on his desk like he had all day for this. I wished he would get on with it -I was getting more and more nervous by the second. I wasn’t a nervous person, but I had an intense fear of displeasing him.
He sat looking at me for about sixty seconds before he stood up and went to the window. “I’m not often proved wrong, Yardley. For some reason, when I gave you this mission, I honestly thought perhaps you would impress me for once. I was sorely disappointed.” He turned to look at me. “You disappointed me.”
I reminded myself to keep eye contact. “I’m sorry to hear that sir.”
“I’m not finished.” He interrupted me sharply.
I nodded, trying to appear penitent.
He didn’t speak for what felt like ages. He was circling me, like a shark wanting to devour its prey. My eyes followed him, waiting for him to shatter the silence.
When he spoke again, it was with a raised voice. I grimaced; I knew that when he wanted to be, his voice could be plainly heard all the way in Washington DC, or at the very least by everyone in headquarters. “What you did was stupid. Plain stupid. Honestly, that brace on your neck tells me you don’t deserve to be here. There are plenty of other agents who would die for an assignment like this.” He stopped and pinned me with a glare to make sure I hadn’t miss his word choice; I hadn’t. “Except with them,” He went on, “they wouldn’t pay that price because they didn’t happen to like some comment made by their target. They wouldn’t have allowed it to set them off.”
I again nodded. Of course he was right, but it stung to hear my stupidity spoken aloud, as if the neck brace wasn’t enough punishment.
When finally he had finished, he didn’t wait for me to answer. He simply marched out of the room, refusing to look at me. Then, when he was almost out the door, he turned to me and said “Option Room. Ten minutes. Don’t be late this time.”
——-
Hours later, after he had given the two of them their assignment, George Byrne was beginning to second guess his judgement. He rested his head in his hands and sighed. Sometimes he wished he could just fire the girl; it would certainly relieve some of the pressure he’d been feeling.
He glanced through his papers, fingering them in indecision and muttered to himself. If anything happened to her, he would blame himself. She had no idea the firestorm she was walking into.
Over the past few years he had lagged in his professionalism, come to see her as more than just an agent, he cared for her like a father would for a daughter, and it killed him what he was doing to her right now. He just wanted to be honest with her, but that wasn’t a liberty he had while with the CIA. He knew he couldn’t try to reason with her anyway, she was too stubborn for that. He knew she has shrugged off his warning that she was to trust no one but her partner. She would go on as she always had, trusting no one but herself.
He straightened his tie, attempting to smooth down his thoughts. His office, a space that usually comforted him, made him feel boxed in. He stood up and strode to the door, feeling an intense craving for fresh air. Once he got it, he was sure he would feel better about all of this. This was for her own good. He knew she would thank him later. In the end, it would all be worth it. It would.
————————————————————————————–
The airport was unexpectedly busy the day of our departure. Because of the crush of people surrounding us as we checked our bags, neither of us spoke more than a word or two.
I didn’t know much about Tom Selfriege other than that he was a smug, self-absorbed jerk who only cared about his own accomplishments. This was fully displayed after our first meeting when he leaned over to Byrne, thinking I was out of hearing distance and muttered, “So, if she breaks my neck during all of this, I’m not taking the mark on my record for it.”
Even still, I had tried to lighten things up. When I was a kid, my dad and I had always had a safe word. It was a secret word that we could always say to the other person to let them know something was wrong, without curious bystanders knowing.
“We need an alert word.” I declared, trying to warm him up. He was busy directing his attention toward the crowds of travelers rushing past us. I sat forward in my seat and leaned into his line of vision. “Something we can say when there’s something wrong, but other people are listening.”
He raised an eyebrow at me.
“You choose.” I remarked, working to sound chipper.
He sighed stoicly, “Sprain.”
I immediately away, ignoring the first grin he had given me.
What do you think? I would love comments! And if anyone feels like giving a good (respectful and constructive) critique, I am always open to advice!
Hello
I like your style. I noticed that lots of passive verbs which diminishes the energy.
bw
I think you’re a great writer and don’t be hard on yourself for missing typos, no one can proof their own work
That’s what editors are for!
Thanks.
That’s quite true, I’m a writer, not an editor! 
At this point, my only real comment is that I just want to read the book. That and I had a tough time not picturing George Byrne with a cigar.
Hahaha, I pictured a kind of rough, debonair version of George Clooney.
Nice first draft. It can often be hard to decide the balance between showing and telling. As an exercise, it might be interesting to try writing these scenes completely in “show” mode and then completely in “tell” mode before combining the two. Right now, I feel like the reader is getting more info through telling. GIve it a try!
Thanks for the tip! I rewrote the scene after your comment, trying to just show and came back and integrated them together. It really helped!
Good!Just remember that you can’t show everything. You must decide which scenes or dialogue are critical to the storyline, and usually you will want to show those. The rest is a balance of economy (exposition) and action.
Thanks for the follow! I agree with Jiliane’s advice– strive to show more. One way to do this without getting too descriptive or changing the pace of your writing is to use descriptive verbs. For example, you write: He (George) put his head in his hands and sighed. I might recommend “He dropped his head in hands and sighed.”. Words like dropped convey more emotion than put. Follow Jiliane’s advice and look for bland verbs that could be replaced with verbs with punch. I hope this is helpful.
Thank you! It was very helpful! I went back and looked at it with an eye to showing and I feel like it really helped.
Good! I look forward to finding out how everything turns out!
I like the altering between first person with the main character and third person with the supporting characters – does that continue throughout the story? Enjoyed reading, I’ll have to have a flip back through your posts to see the other parts. One tiny thing – is Byrne meant to always address Mia by her surname, as a subordinate? He generally calls her Yardley, but once he calls her Mia. Just wondering, looking forward to reading more
Thank you, the changing points of view does continue throughout the book, but it’s primarily told from Mia’s eyes. Thank you for reading, I’m glad you enjoyed it!
And about Mia/Yardley, I did put that in to show a lapse in his professionalism, that he finds himself wanting to treat her like a daughter but he knows he shouldn’t.
Enjoyable read.
I have a hard time finding my typos too…sigh.
Thank you for reading, Maggie! I liked what Diana said above, that’s what editors are for!
I always read over a certain sentence, feeling like something’s off, but I can’t figure it out. Then someone else reads it and it turns out that’s the sentence the typo was in!
Too bad I don’t have an editor for my blog…
Coming along nicely. I want to see how the two, Mia and Tom, work together. It’ll be interesting to read. The idea of 3rd person section to show a side to the characters that the mia doesn’t see, is good (wish I had thought of that
And, I like the touch of humour at the end, got me laughing. (my sort of humour)
More???
Haha, the “sprain” part at the end was exactly the type of comment that would set me off if someone said it to me, but also the type of humor that I use on other people.
I, too, like the first person for the protagonist and the third person for supporting characters…nice. There were a couple of small things that were like snags on my mind when I was reading:
1) I grimaced; I knew that when he wanted to be, his voice could be plainly heard all the way in Washington DC, It sounds awkward. Perhaps “when he wanted it to” instead of “when he wanted to be”?
2)to make sure I hadn’t miss his word choice – should be “missed” his word choice.
I’m very much enjoying the read!
Ah, thank you! I will fix those right away!
You’re welcome! Eons ago, when my daughter was a baby, I did proofreading work. While I still miss a lot or errors in my stuff (because I see what I expect to read), I can be a good safety net for others. Please feel free to use me!
I liked the tension in this piece. Having made many mistakes in my life, I could totally relate to Mia’s dread of the reprimand that would come. As others commented, I also liked the the main character in first person and the other character in 3rd. It’s a nice change.
As for typos, the only thing that stood out for me is that I think there might be a word missing in the last line – possibly “looked”? (“I immediately looked away, ignoring the first grin he had given me.”)
I think you have interesting characters here and I’d love to read more
Oh, duh! I switched a word out at the last minute, trying to find a better verb, I guess I forgot to actually put one in.
Thank you!
A good read, I’ll be back here again! Typos….. just do your job, write the story. Editing is for editors!
I disagree; I think editors shouldn’t be handed things with lots of typos. It’s distracting and can take away from their critique of things like style and plot. A good way to prevent yourself from missing typos is to leave the piece alone for several days. When you come back to it, you’ll be reading it with a fresh mind and will catch more errors.
I agree. If you’re trying to get your work published, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to send out work filled with distracting typos and grammar errors. No one will read past the first page.
Very nice read fort me …awesome write…Tim
Is this story posted on the Internet in it’s entirety anywhere? It would be an interesting read. Have you considered submitting it for publishing? It, or at least the little piece here is interesting. Thanks for posting it.
Interesting and a fine read. Would you consider publishing it? You should, you kow.
Only typo I saw was the missing word, last sentence (as someone else noted).
The sentence “But somehow I couldn’t figure out how I was going to talk my way out of the verbal assault I knew I would receive as soon as I crossed the threshold to George Byrne’s office, late.” was a bit long, perhaps shortening it a bit?
Like “But I dreaded the verbal assault I would receive as soon as I crossed the threshold to George Byrne’s office, late. ”
Just a thought. Excellent work, love to read more. I’ll be following!
Sheri